May 31st, 2022

We arrived on the planet CRAVITY late last night and celebrated our successful voyage with an early sleep. No champagne for this team. Even if we had wanted a grand celebration, this planet’s quirky physics wouldn’t allow it. Gravity is constantly changing here. Our Mission Specialist dubbed it “crazy gravity,” or “cravity” for short. The nickname stuck, and that’s what we’re calling this bizarre little pitstop at the edge of the universe.

Project V.I.V.I.D launched two years ago, the first of its kind to employ regular civilians to chart the unknown reaches of space. I enlisted through the Universe app, more as an escape than anything. Back home, things have changed beyond recognition and I just can’t deal with it anymore.

They call it the “Great Reduction.” Due to the collapse of the public school system and the effects of social media, the number of words in the English language reduced from around half a million to just over five thousand. Now, language is largely developed through vocal stress, affectation and facial expression. Phrases like “Rata-tat-tat,” “Bop! Bop!”, “Du Du Du” and “Nanana” have a host of diverse meanings, but with my resting bitch face I find it difficult to express anything beyond disdain.

I’ve always loved words. As this team’s linguist, it’s my goal to bring a new vocabulary to Planet CRAVITY. But first, I’ve got to fight through this antigravity-induced nausea and crawl out from my capsule without losing what’s left in my stomach.

Suddenly, the lights in my capsule shut off, replaced by darkness. I hear the atmosphere control system sputter to a dull silence and my throat immediately tightens. I panic for a moment and listen for the backup to kick into gear. But, nothing happens. Another minute of this and the whole ship will be crushed by the planet’s forces.

As I clutch my throat and gasp for air, the outside door lifts open. Silver light pours into my capsule and a long, slender arm reaches forward. I gasp – this time not from oxygen depletion but from surprise. Floating mere inches from my face is-

Please download the app for the full story.

Now that I’ve done the requisite Universe App spoof (the cut on this music video is particularly cruel…), my thoughts on the actual song are simple and familiar: The fast bits are pretty good. The slower bits drag them down. The guys sound great. The chorus is super underwhelming. The song has one of those awful second-verse slowdowns.

If you want an excellent song in a similar style, listen to JO1’s Born To Be Wild instead.